Sticks and stones...

[halavana]

Been feeling a bit sorry for myself lately. Probably unjustifiably. Seems that someone I thought of as a friend, isn't. I suppose this is just an attempt to set it down in some coherent fashion so I can get past it.

A colleague came rushing into my classroom last week, saying she needed to leave and could I take her 6th hour students. I stuttered and stammered around, worried about the niece she mentioned, and managed to say only "that's my plan. I have a whole lot of papers to grade..." Before I could add, "do you want me to haul my stuff into your room or would you rather send your students into my room..." she ran out again, saying she'd ask someone else. Well, I felt like a total dunder head and went looking for her to see if I could rectify the situation, but she'd already gone.

The next day when I went to find her with the usual pot of green tea, I apologized for not saying immediately that she should send the kids into my classroom. The brain isn't always as quick on the uptake as it should be. She shook her head at the tea and said, "That's ok. Sometimes papers are more important than people," and continued talking to another teacher as if I weren't there, as if I had ceased to exist.

If she had literally punched me in the face, I don't think it could have hurt worse. It's like the friendship I thought we had ended right then and there. The invitation to her daughter's graduation party and ceremony could only be declined at that point. And would she really want someone who valued papers more than people to sub for her class at a community college? We've hardly exchanged more than a few words since, and I don't think I want to at this point. I didn't think my feelings could be hurt this bad, but then I've always been a mush for people I consider friends. They're the only ones who can do this kind of damage. Feels like the end of something, permanently.

I don't blame her for being upset, but that comment was mean, hurtful and uncalled for. To put a different spin on the old saying, "Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words can break our hearts."

Ok. I"m done whining now.
Thanks for listening.

Comments

[lothithil.livejournal.com]

(((Halavana)))

I'm sorry that you're hurting. I think this woman has a big problem, and it ain't you.

Wolverine Friday! We will have fun, and forget the mudgecurdles!

[lin4gondor.livejournal.com]

Actually, I do blame her for being upset -- there's no way she, as a friend, should have jumped the gun like that and blamed you without even attempting to listen or understand your explanation. And to speak hurtfully like that was totally uncalled for. It's hard for you, I'm sure, to look back and wish you had answered quicker or differently, but she's the one who ended up breaking the bridge between you, not you.

I do hope she'll see that soon, and apologize, because it really is hard to lose a friendship, especially with a coworker.

((((You))))

[halavana.livejournal.com]

She was upset because her niece was ill, so I really don't blame her for it, but her comment did make me think that what I thought was friendship, in fact wasn't. I would never have put her in this kind of position.
Thanks for the moral support. Guess I just needed to unload a little.

[siradaono.livejournal.com]

cars can't stop you, all healed now I pray, so don't let this blimp of discourtesy do you damage my dear Hal.

[halavana.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I guess I just need someone to pat me on the head and tell me things are going to be all right.
Thanks Ada.

[siradaono.livejournal.com]

Friendship needs no words,
as a butterfly needs no song.
It is beautiful just to behold.

(((((Elf-Friend)))))